Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
