the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
