She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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