I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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