i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
