The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
