regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
