do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
