Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
