During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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