Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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