i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
When are your genitals available?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
