Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
