my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
