Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
