So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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