Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
