have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
