You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
