I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
