im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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