I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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