My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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