dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
