K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
