i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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