what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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