I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
