he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
