totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
