and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
