just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
