I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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