One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
