I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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