beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
