just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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