Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
