So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize