I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
