I met the friendliest cop last night
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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