R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
