I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
