My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
