I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
