I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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