If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
