The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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