He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
