If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
