I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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