So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
