if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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