all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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