yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
