i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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