I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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