I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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