I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
