This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
