So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize